Never quite good enough

4A’s and 2B’s yet I’m still not happy.

I don’t even know what to do to please myself anymore, it’s exhausting. Even an A just isn’t good enough, yet I know I can’t do much better.

In one mock I lost nine marks of 50. I got an A but all I could think about was the 9 marks that I didn’t get rather than the 41 I did.

In another I got a total of 60 out of 70 over 3 categories. I was a lot happier with this yet I could barely bring myself to smile. I got 86% but I couldn’t bring myself to be happy with it.

It’s as if I am literally incapable of being happy with my grades and it’s so unhealthy. It actually makes me sad. I work so damn hard and I can’t even appreciate me. It’s as if I’m two people: rational me and irrational me. Rational me knows that I’ve done well and understands that I put so much work into it. Irrational me just thinks about the parts that weren’t good. It’s an endless circle of me putting myself down and I don’t know how to break free.

This really brings me back to the first post I ever wrote. Perfectly imperfect.

~ I hope I get over this sometime soon. Let me know if you understand and/or have experienced the same sort of thing.

Love, Carly X




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